It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.