Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
my one true gender
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
omg leave her alone
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Got him!
Go hard or stay average
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
The cashier just checked me out.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain