The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
You Might Also Like
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”