Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes