If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
when you order from DoorDastardly
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym