I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
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My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
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Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.