‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.