REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
You Might Also Like
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
a god among men
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.