(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Monica just destroyed the internet
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
How about daylight saves us for once
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
#parenting
Start the year as you intend to continue.