My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”