Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
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Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh