[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
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This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Finally
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.