In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!