Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
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WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”