In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*me flirting
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
dictator is short for richard potato
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though