A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 馃憣
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therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I really had high hopes for this year though
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schr枚dinger’s cat.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me to fly that won鈥檛 leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Women do things I can鈥檛 even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
me: i鈥檓 proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that鈥檚 awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”