Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?