Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
You Might Also Like
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.