Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Does it…does it take 3 days

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.