(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
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[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
They’re the worst 😩
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.