My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.
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My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
two people or more is called a problem
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?