Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
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*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
We avoided this particular disaster
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.