1 out of every 5 people you see dressed up at your halloween party is just me, changing costumes, every 6 minutes
You Might Also Like
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
crying
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything