Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I’m going to be for the rest of my life.
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My dating profile:
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
those birds must be on payroll
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.