I feel like Halloween is the perfect opportunity to not be sexy…. So before you put on that “underwear version” of a costume this season… consider a potato sack over the head, a plaid shirt, some comfy jeans and an axe as an accessory, really simple really cute.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
