me on halloween vs me the rest of the year
You Might Also Like
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*