At my grandmaβs house and just accidentally let out a βyall stop running in and outβ omg itβs over ππππππππππ
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and itβs been seriously cracking me up.
I gave a co-worker my word today β¦
And yes, the word started with the letter βFβ β¦
What is going on? π
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
everything iβve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My daughter: Can I go to my friendβs house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me youβre okMe when I was 10: Iβm off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinnerβs at 5
Dating tip:
If she says sheβs into beards, donβt compliment hers.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG