[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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Hey! This isn’t my car!
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Happy Valentine’s Day, the kids all have practice in different locations tonight.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to