My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
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I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath