Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
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My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve