Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.