Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
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me irl
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.