Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
If I ignore life will it go away?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
What’s so funny?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?