Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
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[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?