βDid he just do that by himself?β πΉ π π
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Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. Iβll mention a name and sheβll just be like βah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.β
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, thatβs a panicdote.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no letβs go letβs go letβs gooooo.
Danger is very dangerous
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Sometimes I think Iβm reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Youβve just gotta remember, some things donβt work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both donβt work outβ¦eat a cake.
π¦π₯π¦π₯
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
When I pack too much for a short trip.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.