Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
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My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws