“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
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My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”