every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
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I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up