Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.