The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Free him
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.