having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I just love that new Pope smell.
The dark side of Canada
That stupid look on my face, is my face
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.