My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
You Might Also Like
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”