Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
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When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Bringing home a sharpie
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?