Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
hmmm
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.