I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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Cutest fight ever.. 😊
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX