“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
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I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*