Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
This is true.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died