I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”