Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
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Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?