I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
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Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something